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I was right in that going back to work has made things a little more bearable around here- even if I don't always look forward to it, it's something to do. (Or maybe it's been better since the rest of my family's been traveling, and I can keep to my own schedule and interests without getting "the look".) I've been back at work for a week now and it's definitely... interesting. I think all my coworkers are going to hate me after another week or so; I'm the type of person that always has to be doing something. If I'm sitting around, I'd like to be reading or sewing or doing something productive. The rest of my coworkers seem the opposite- there's always things to be unpacked, papers to be filed, windows that need cleaning and most of them (with the exception of the managers) just sit behind the register and dawdle. Meanwhile I'm doing enough work for all of them (especially cleaning the windows. I think as a product of growing up in my family, I have a thing about smudgy windows. They drive me crazy.) but get paid the same wages.

Maybe it's just a personality flaw on my part.

Other than the coworkers, it's not a bad job. It's generally pretty slow during the week, since it's an air-conditioned store in an outdoor shopping center. Since it's 110 degrees on average right now during the day, no one but tourists wants to walk around the center so we don't get many customers. Plus, I get to ride a Segway around a lot since it's one of the neater products we sell. And yes, people do actually buy them- we've sold at least four in June alone. It doesn't really surprise me, though, given the type of customer in the area. I don't know if people are familiar with the black American Express card (I think it's technically called the Centurion card), but it's an invitation-only card through AmEx. It costs something like $1000 a year to have and you have to spend a minimum of around $150,000 on the card to retain it... anyway, it's the AmEx for the absurdly rich. There are probably less than 50,000 in the country, total, from what I've heard..... I've worked a total of four days so far, and I've already helped *two* customers who had the card. It's mindboggling.

Of course, I do work in Yuppie Gadget Heaven (the one whose name doesn't start with Sh and end in Image) so it shouldn't be that much of a surprise.

Social life still severely lacking. There were rumors of a get-together of some variety but I've yet to hear any confirmation of such. Only 2.5 months til I'm back in Evanston, and I can't wait.

Home alone

Jun. 24th, 2004 09:14 pm
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The rest of my family has been out of town for the week, Dad on business and Mom and sister doing the whole college tour thing. It's been nice having the house to myself- I can get on my normal sleep schedule of staying up late and getting up late. I've tried to do the whole morning person thing, but it just doesn't work for me. I had to wake up today for my trainer at 8am, and I've been sluggish all day.. I do much better when I can get up around 10 or so. Now if only college would be sympathetic...
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I'll have been home a week tomorrow, and this summer is already shaping up to be... less than desirable. First I caught an ugly cold- it's impossible to sleep, since i can't sleep when propped up on pillows and can't breathe when not propped up on pillows. It's a problem. Then I let myself get roped into doing a guest performance in my sister's dance recital- the company I used to be in is sponsoring it, and they wanted alumnae to come back and perform with them. So of course my mother signed me up for that- so I'll be in rehearsal most of Friday and performing Saturday. If this cold isn't cleared up the performance will kill me- I'm not in as good of shape as I was, and it's a tiring number.

Although that may not be a bad thing, at this point- the killing, I mean. I was supposed to go to yoga with mom on Tuesday morning, but stayed in bed because of my cold... so the woman goes and signs me up for a *personal trainer* at the Y. The way she goes on, you'd think I went to school looking like Lara Flynn Boyle and came home looking like Roseanne. I've gained a little weight at school, sure... maybe 15 pounds or so. But no, no.. now I get to wake up and go to the gym at 8 o'clock in the freaking morning. I wish I had more willpower to do something about this whole thing... if it's salads and Diet Coke all summer again I don't know what I'll do. I have canines for a reason, give me a frickin' steak already. Lettuce doesn't do it for me.

I start work again sometime next week, and went shopping for work clothes on Monday. I'm in the process of making a dress skirt for myself, too, out of black satin. I can't wait to see what it looks like when it's finished- I finished the toile on Sunday night and was pretty impressed, since I'd done a pretty slapdash job of the whole thing. I think I'll wait and work on that until the family heads out of town next week, though, so I'm not bothered.

I'd like nothing more than to be back in Evanston right now, if only for the lack of pressure to do twenty-five productive things at the same time all summer long. I want to rest and work on fun things, not work and go to the fricking personal trainer that's already paid for, so I can't skip out of it.

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Apparently my little sister's friends have all discovered the wonder of Livejournal. I feel a little less geeky.. but not much.

I wish I'd been more social in high school. I think I got into the habit of not making close friends when I was younger because we moved around so often- it wasn't worth the energy to make a lot of good friends because it was harder to leave them behind when we'd inevitably move. But now when I come home for the summer, my few close friends are either not in town or far away, and I'm bored out of my mind.

I start work again the week after next, so that'll be something to do... but I wish I had something else.


May. 19th, 2004 09:00 pm
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So I'm typing this from the downstairs dorm computer.... 'cause my goddamn hard drive went and died. I'm sending the computer into the shop tomorrow, but won't have it back for a week, I'd wager. I'll be difficult to get hold of but will still be checking my email and this when I can, so those of you who have my email and cell phone will still be able to reach me.

Now I'm going to go bang my head against the wall some more.
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There's a general feeling of apathy around me that I just can't shake. I'm not sure that apathy is the right word for it, even- more like fog, if that were an emotional state. Hazy things in my head that keep the connections dull and feelings half-there, to the point where I sat with my chem book in my lap for a solid half-hour, staring out the window at the sunset and thinking about nothing. I want my clarity back.

There are days when I wish I could think about nothing. When the nothing's in my head, though, I just want to feel something... At least it's been a few days since the last big swing. I'd been cycling a few times a day last week and it was hard. Since there wasn't any real reason for the mood changes I couldn't explain them well, and I can't imagine how confusing it is when I spring up the stairs all chipper and half an hour later I'm super angst girl. I'd rather be in a down cycle for a few days than up and down every eight hours, all things considered... thanks for small blessings, right?

My birthday's coming up soon. We've got a big dinner date thing all planned out... dressing up and fancy restaurant and whatnot. It'll be fun, I hope... we haven't really had a planned date since his birthday a few months ago so it'll be something different than the usual weekend outings.

Back to studying... lots of Holocaust reading to do to prepare for the final paper. The last thing I need is a hundred pages on concentration camps, but it's better than getting behind. So here goes...


Apr. 27th, 2004 08:32 pm
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Sometimes my conscientious impulses astound me.

But mostly I'm tired of being the organized one in every aspect of my life. I want to know I can occasionally forget to do things and everything will still wind up all right in the end. Right now, though, I feel like I'm working without a good backup plan for the most part, and when I slip and fuck up (as I inevitably do when things are starting to go reasonably well) it's back to catastrophe.

I went home last weekend and my mom said I looked thinner. I felt the happiest then that I have in a long time... and I realize full well how sick that sounds. I think I'm gradually coming to terms with my body image problem, but it's not over by a long shot, since what I really want is reassurance... but even when I get that it's not enough, because reassurance has to be believed to do what it's supposed to. As long as I can't believe it, all the reassurance in the world doesn't do me any good when it's coming from the wrong place. I don't really want to look like that, all angles and sticking-out bones and chicken legs. But I think that's how I want to feel... like there's nothing else that could be pared off the bone, no more marble to be chipped away. And right now, there's still a lot left that's not part of the end work.

Eh. That wasn't supposed to be the purpose of this entry at all... I may add more later when I get back on track. But he's sleeping now so I don't have any other catharsis to turn to, so to the journal with the above.
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I used to be a pretty militant feminist. I think my mother was probably glad when I finally found a boyfriend. At least, she could be a little more sure I wasn't going to end up a lesbian and deprive my grandparents of precious great-grandbabies to carry on the family heritage. Or worse, some man-hating career-obsessed spinster. No worries, mom. Promise. Anyway, I calmed down a little, but some things still piss me off.

Case in point. I was reading the newspaper today at lunch, and I get to the third page of the second section, and I just stop. Holy fucking shit. There's this full-page ridiculous ad from the Cardinal Newman Society, of all places, ranting about how the Vagina Monologues is an "assault on young peoples' minds and morals." This article, to be exact.

I think the thing that bothered me the most was the fact that they chose to spell out the title in asterisks.. "The V***** Monologues." According to the ad, "respect for women's dignity and young readers' innocence prevents me from even spelling out its name."

Let me spell it out for you, then, Newman Society. Vagina. Slightly more than half of the people on this planet have one. Why's it such a dirty word? I can maybe see not spelling out "cunt" in a full-page ad in USA Today. But vagina? How about uterus? Or ovaries? Cervix? They're all part of the same anatomical system. Are they dirty? Ooh, it's a body part. A body part associated with sex! Forbidden! Dirty! Scandalous! Please. Does that mean "brain" is a dirty word too? The brain's the largest sex organ, after all. Cerebellum. Mm, kinky.

I could go on for pages, picking apart this ad. The play's described as "worse than Janet Jackson's act" at this year's Super Bowl. Oh, no, a naked breast on television! Clearly, the world is ending. The majority of people are faced with a naked breast from Day 1. There's nothing particularly sexual or alluring, or scandalous, about a breast, except that American culture says so. What's so scandalous about genitalia? So they're used for sex, which makes babies sometimes and hopefully is enjoyable to both parties involved. What's wrong with that?

I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic school from kindergarten all the way through high school. And guess what, Cardinal Newman Society? I don't need you to tell me what's morally right for me. I don't need to be protected from what you think is morally corrupt. Hearing an actress scream the word "cunt" a few times isn't going to make me run out, fuck everything I see and wind up a strung-out junkie prostitute with AIDS and syphilis (although according to you, it just might.)

And you know what? "Almighty God" probably doesn't care. If appreciating my body and being comfortable in sexuality is against whatever laws the Church says apply to me, I must be in the wrong church.
inyri: (Default)
<td bgcolor="#000000">Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td><td bgcolor="#000000">Color</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td><td bgcolor="#000000">Birthday</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td><td bgcolor="#000000">Destiny</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Destroyer of Human kind </td><td bgcolor="#000000">Date when you fufill your destiny</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">May 12, 2014</td>
What is Your Destiny? by Valcion
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

This may be a bit problematic.
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Amy Lee is a musical goddess.

So I went to the Evanescence concert with Katie and Diandra yesterday... oh, man. So good.

First, we all meet at Katie's to head over to the amphitheatre and get in my car, since it had the best air conditioning. I carefully place my envelope, containing my ticket, in the side pocket of my car door. Upon arrival, the envelope is still there.. but the ticket is nowhere to be found. After freaking out, I end up buying a new ticket as the concert is nowhere near sold out.

We headed down to the stage area and sat in the shade for the opening bands.. I'd never heard of any of them, really, before the concert: Cauterize, Revis, and Cold. They weren't too bad though, nice to listen to at the very least if not something that particularly grabbed me. I bought my obligatory t-shirt during a break, and then we all made our way down toward the stage, since it was general admission.

Finally, about 4 hour after we arrived, Ev came onstage. By this point we were maybe 20 feet from the stage, and surrounded by hot sweaty people.. not that I noticed, being equally warm myself, since there wasn't much shade to speak of and it didn't really help anyway.

Amy Lee is awesome. Such a dynamic performer.. I don't know how anyone can have that much energy having to perform outside in the heat. It's so nice, too, to hear someone who can actually sing without having to be retouched by machines. They performed most of the songs from "Fallen".. except they didn't do "Hello," so I was kinda pissed about that, it being my favorite song on the CD. "My Immortal" sounded great, though, and they did a few covers and "Even in Death" too (I felt special since I was the only person I could see around me who knew the words to that one).

I forgot how much I like going to concerts.. just how *good* it feels to be around so much music, to be in the crowd around the stage and look up and sing along, and feel the bass from the speakers shaking in your chest. I missed so many opportunities last year that I should have taken advantage of, and will definitely need to do more in the coming year.. cheap student tickets to concerts are a good, good thing.

And then, when we got back to Katie's, I found my fucking ticket in the street in front of her house. Apparently it had fallen out of the pocket when I closed the door, and I'd run over it.

Goddamn it.

But the concert still rocked my world.
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So I was reading over my journal and struck by the angstiness of it all. Granted, most of that is due to the period in my life at which I started it (yay cancer :P ) but yeesh. I sound like the Teen Angst queen of the universe, and that's really not me anymore at all.

I'm debating just starting fresh, deleting everything and starting over again with clean pages.. but then I read over things and I wonder if I should just keep them around as a catharsis. Sometimes it's nice to have things to go back to from difficult times, so I can look back on them when I'm feeling a little down and think, "Hey, it's really not that bad. It could be worse. A whole lot worse."

But I do think I'll update more often. I'm terrible at keeping paper journals, and I've got this here, I might as well use it...
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Well, my birthday was last week. Another year gone by.. goodbye, 18. And good riddance.

I can't say it was one of my better years, as that sort of thing goes. Too much happened to be able to see that. But everyone I love is still here, with the exception of my dog, so I suppose it could have been worse.

School's almost over- a whole year gone, and it seems like I just got here. Only two more years left before I move on to other things. I think now I know what parents talk about when they tell you to enjoy your college years. It takes a while for you to settle in to a group and then once you finally do, you're going home for the summer where you're still the same person who graduated from high school a year ago and nothing's changed.

But I think that's the point I'm trying to make... everything's changed, and I can't go back to the way it was. Now I just have to decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm inclined to think it's good.. that's the way evolution works, after all. Growing and changing in response to a changing environment, when staying how you were would have killed you eventually when the world floods and you haven't grown your gills yet or something.

So I guess that's how this year was. The world flooded and everything changed and for awhile I felt like a reject from Noah's ark, but then my gills grew in and everything was alright again.

And now, 19, as a mutant gilled fish-thing in the evolutionary chain. I'm different, that's for sure. But am I better off for it.. I guess that's for the next year to decide.
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Goddamn game. It's just a game but it makes me want to tear my hair out sometimes with what it does to me, the terrible things I make myself think whenever certain people come in the room. I know I have nothing to worry about, anymore. They'll never steal him away from me, we've gone far too far for that, but my mind just won't let it be.. I find myself searching every word, every phrase for hidden meanings and flirtations that will never be reciprocated, or aren't there at all. It's clearly a good thing that I don't have as much power in the real world as I do there... oh, the heads would roll, and 't would be marvelous...

I swear I won't let her get to me but every little stab still gets through somehow. Even after all the hell I went through in CS, all her little comments every time I came into the room until I dreaded going to play a game that was supposed to be fun, because she'd try to see how far she could push me every time... and then last night she tries to kiss up to me, and get herself back in my good graces somehow. Of course she wouldn't tell me who she used to play- it was blindingly obvious, I'd know her a mile away blindfolded, metaphorically speaking, by that grating manner of hers. It's bad enough to hate me outright and try to push me as far as she did. But don't stab me in the back and then try to kiss my ass. It's not going to work. Using my poetry to get on my good side.. my poetry, the one thing I could still call mine... that is the unforgivable thing. Asking after Chris, I can forgive. There's no harm there; she'll never stand a chance with him. But my poor poems... turning a mother's children to use against her... I cannot forgive that.
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My roommate was watching it for her Public Speaking class, and I was half-listening while I was studying for midterms. Suddenly, my ears catch the dreaded word. "Nucular." Many, many times.


Get it right, you ignorant little man.
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*dances around wildly* A- in Calculus. Eeeeeeeee!

God bless giant grade curves....

Anyway. I head home tomorrow for Christmas vacation, with nothing to do but sleep and relax. I love the quarter system... although I've got to figure out some way to buy my books that weren't in stock.

Happy holidays everyone!


Nov. 11th, 2002 03:24 pm
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What's YOUR Writing Style?

brought to you by Quizilla

Except for the fact that Emily Dickinson is evil (THANK you, Dr. Conway....), I'd say that's pretty close. *hugs new book on the court of Henry VIII happily, and wanders away to dream of the Renaissance once more*
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I will: go to the counselor tomorrow.

I will not: be chickenshit about it like I usually am. The vast and unending fuck-up that is my life needs some semblance of order. All these years I've been trying to hack it on my own, through everything, all the sleepless nights and sadness and desparation. I realized I can't do it anymore. Something's gotta give here, and it can't be my wrists under a razorblade or something equally permanent.

I will: stop being such a goddamn perfectionist.

I will not: beat myself up after every test and quiz I have until I get them back, because I think I made a mistake. College classes are curved. Yes, curved. Just because you screwed up doesn't mean you failed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I will: stop talking to myself. Can't be healthy. At least separate personalities haven't split off yet.

I will not: give up. I've come way too far through all of this to give up when it's finally getting better. I guess Ms. GP was right about the upswings being the most dangerous part about everything. When you're down at the bottom, it's just too much effort to do anything about it. But when you think you're finally getting back to normal and you look back at what you were, and you pity yourself... there's nothing more dangerous than your own self-pity, because if you can't back yourself up then what have you got?

I will: get to sleep at a decent hour. Hopefully roommate's boyfriend will not be over. If I have to listen to them making out and him snoring all night long I think I'm going to go insane before Thanksgiving.

But I'm alright, yeah.
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Up down up down up down ENOUGH!

It's not fair to do things like this to me and then tell me it'll be alright and that I'll get over it. You can't promise me things and take them away and then throw in a "oh, by the way we're putting the dog to sleep on Monday" to sweeten the deal. I am not strong enough to take that without breaking...

Buddy S.
Beloved Pet and Companion
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Well, I finally made it up to school, a month after everybody else. I should be happier than I've ever been in my life, being away from everything that made my life such hell in Phoenix, but I'm not; I feel like I'm just going through the motions now, but what made everything good is gone now.

The last months have been hell, that's undeniable. After high school I thought everything would get better, you know? I'm eighteen years old now, I'm a big girl and Mommy and Daddy can't tell me what to do anymore. Well, fuck that idea.

Not only do they get to tell me what to do, they get to tell me what not to do too.

Apparently it's too much to handle that their precious baby girl might want to move in with her boyfriend in a year or so, so that's clearly not allowed- to the degree that they threatened to rescind my tuition if I went through with it. So instead of coming up here to be with me, he's going to Austin for a while, and I'm still alone up here.

Goddamn it.

I don't know how much longer I can do this up here alone- the social interaction is here, but the level of empathy I had with all my friends before is gone, and I don't know where to find it. I thought I'd belong here, and I don't seem to, somehow... I know one place I belong, and that is far gone from me now, stuck in Texas by the meddling of parents who aren't even his own.

Class is... class, and the main social draw seems to be free beer at the moment- it's like everything I didn't like about high school, amplified hundredfold by the lack of parents.

If college is supposed to be the best time of your life, why am I so unhappy?
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*sings, then stops*

I am tired, and updating my journal. Yay me.

I finally got a job, thankfully.. nice retail job, not great pay but it beats McDonald's by a long shot.

Got my APs back, finally.. 5s on everything except the Physics B, which I got a 4 on. That was surprising, I thought I'd actually done worse. Fubar'ed that one pretty badly.. must've been tough, I'm not complaining though.

Now I just want to know where I'm living at school.. I've gotten just about everything except my dorm status back. I don't wanna wait anymore.. *whines*

Edit: Bold added 7/27/02 as a clarification, after some discussion.